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How much would you like to donate? Other amount. Related content:. Arguments check-up quiz. What to do? Sad and Spiteful. Dear Sad and Spiteful,. Your lack of kindness toward your boyfriend is rooted in your extremely negative and punitive view of yourself. You admire these traits in your boyfriend, but you also see them as weak. But that is hard. Very hard. Incredibly hard.
Nearly impossible. You have an ungodly amount of shame onboard. You handle all of that chaos by trying to punitively discipline yourself into being a better, calmer, more predictable person, but all your punishment does is exhaust you and make you even more ashamed of yourself and even more afraid of the future. This is your moment to step away from fear and shame.
But you have to start by refusing to punish yourself so brutally. Because he heals something in you. He sees you clearly, and he loves being with someone who he admires and respects and looks up to. He likes to please someone who is a teensy bit aloof. But you might be more like him than you think on that front. You also prefer to spend time with someone who is avoidant or emotionally unavailable.
You said you had to draw your boyfriend out a little — you probably loved that part. Your boyfriend is the same way. You have to tolerate someone being very focused on you. Much better to be chasing someone, because that way, you get to focus on something other than yourself and your shame!
You need to have this conversation very directly with your boyfriend. Would you love that? But ask him to think carefully about that. My husband and I had that conversation when we were first dating. I was such an asshole, all the time. I hated myself for it. I want you. I love you. I think I love you, and I hate myself for being so mean about everything. And luckily, my husband is pretty confident at some deep level in addition to being pretty insecure at some deep level — these two things are not incompatible, most people are a mix of horribly threatened in specific ways and totally secure in other ways.
I hate how you get this weird, nerdy, self-conscious smile after you ask me a question! I was so relieved that he could accept that I had such negative feelings. I thought these feelings meant that I was eternally damned. Instead, my feelings for him came flooding back, and our sex life improved, and everything was good again.
We also talked very explicitly about the fact that my husband had the luxury of being the one doing a little bit MORE of the serving and pleasing and chasing, and I was the one who had to occupy the uncomfortable position of not having to work quite as hard for his approval. We have always trusted each other at some gut level. We were designed to help each other grow.
You can embrace vulnerability intellectually and still be utterly repulsed by it in real life. Love itself is absurd and so is human nature! Instead, they might throw every excuse at you, from being busy at work to even blaming you for not being understanding enough. If you previously had consistent communication with your partner, and suddenly they stop responding, it may be a sign that something is up. Of course, you know your partner best. Some people become lazier with texting and calling as the relationship becomes more comfortable.
As clinical psychologist, Dr. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Your date nights will feel more distant or tense overall. This may be a sign that your partner is trying to create some distance between you two. The best move is to wait a bit and then approach the issue if it keeps happening. Fran Walfish , relationship psychotherapist and author, tells Bustle. It's obviously difficult to work out relationship issues with a partner who runs from their problems. But if you want the relationship to work, Dr.
Walfish says sitting them down to have those conversations are necessary. Instead, listen to them and narrate out loud what you hear so that they feel heard, validated, and respected.
Everyone should have some alone time in their relationship. As Assimos says, if your partner says they need space , give it to them. With that said, you absolutely have the right to ask, "I will honor your need for space, is there anything I have done that is upsetting you?
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